The Case of the Missing Goon Show

An original Goon Show started in 1986. I eventually got around to finishing it in February 2004. Spike never took that long!

Greenslade: This is the BBC. Orchestra: Wild music Greenslade: Stop that! Stop, this isn't Happydrome. Ned: Well everybody's got to shave, except... Greenslade: And this isn't the Palladium either. Ned: You're just jealous. Greenslade: Oh shut up, you greasy Welsh bubble. I have my duties to perform. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me no pleasure at all to present the Goon Show. Eccles: Fine, fine fine. FX: Gunshot Eccles: OOWWW! Thankyou. Greenslade: Yes, the Goon Show part 1, in which we see.... FX: Rustling of papers Greenslade: Wait a minute, where is part 1? I can't find it. Grytpype: Excuse me, Mr Greenslade. But I'm afraid part 1 is missing. Orchestra: dramatic chords Greenslade: What? Part 1 is missing? Grytpype: Yes, we sold it to the ITA. Moriarty: And got.... MONEY! Oh, lovely moolah. All two and six of it. Greenslade: What? You stole the Goon Show and sold it? I'm afraid I shall have to report this to John Snagge. Grytpype: We sold him to the Labour Exchange. Ned: How much did you get for him? Grytpype: Nothing, we had to give him away. They said we were asking too much for a Charlie of that character. Ned: How much were you asking? Grytpype: Fourpence. Ned: Enough of this needle nardle noo. Let's move on to part 2. Wal? FX: Rustling of papers Greenslade: I'm afraid I can't find part 2 either. Grytpype: We sold it to the ITA. We sold the whole script. Ned: Then I'll have to run over there and buy it back. Anybody coming with me? Greenslade: Not likely, I might catch something. Ned: Then I shall go alone. Farewell! GRAMS: Feet running into distance. Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, in the absence of a script I shall ad lib my announcements as events unfold. We now see... Ned Seagoon running.... up to the doors of the ITA.... where he is met.... by a doorman. Willium: Yes, mate? Ned: I seek an audience with the Program Director of the ITA. Willium: 'Ave you got an appointment, mate? Ned: No, but I have three OBEs and an IOU. Willium: Right, mate. This way. GRAMS: Two pairs of feet walking through corridor. Willium: 'Ere we are. Room 303, mate. FX: Door rattle. Ned: Curse, it's locked. Willium: Yeah, we 'ad to lock it 'cos Sabrina is in there. FX: Door crash, woman screams. Ned: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir. I, er.... Lew Cash: Oooohhh, look at the door, all ruined! It makes you spit! Who are you? Ned: I am Ned Seagoon, late of Harlech Television and leek taster by appointment to the BBC. Lew: You've 'ad it bad, 'aven't you? Ned: Yes. (sob) I didn't really want to work for the BBC. But Milligan forced me into it. (sob) I really wanted to be a flamenco dancer. Lew: Ooohh, don't start all that. You'll ruin the carpet. 'Ere, blow your nose. GRAMS: Elephant trumpeting Lew: My life, he's always doing that. What did you want? Ned: I want to buy back the Goon Show. Lew: No way, schlapper. I paid good money for it. All 2/6 of it. Ned: I'll offer you 2/7. Lew: No. Ned: Three shillings. Lew: No. Ned: Five shillings and a free copy of the Radio Times. Lew: Forget it, I'm not interested. Now go, I've got a lot of work to do. I have to think up a new series with "love" in the title. Ned: This was bad news for the BBC, dear listeners. I had to decide what to do next. Mr Geldray, some thinking music. Max and orchestra: music Max: Thankyou friends of the Conks Anonymous Club. Greenslade: While Mr Geldray was playing out his Will, Neddie has decided what to do. Ned: Yes, I had decided I could not leave the Goon Show. So I..... FX: Telephone dialing Peter (female voice, pre rec): Hello BBC. What department, please? Ned: Employment office. Peter: One moment, please. Jim Spriggs (pre rec): Hello Jim. This is the employment office, Jim. What do you want, Jim? Ned: This is Neddie Seagoon. Jim (pre rec): Not old "Labour Exchange" Seagoon? Ned: One and the same. Jim (pre rec): You better come around. I need to speak to you, Jim. FX: knock knock, Door opening. Ned: Here I am. Jim: What took you so long, Jim? Ned: I was caught in traffic. Jim: A likely story. Now, Jim, the Big Jims of the BBC have decided to give you a sixpenny raise. Ned: That would have brought my salary up to three shillings per month, if I wasn't resigning from the BBC. Jim: Gasp! That's too good to be true, Jim! (euphoric screams into distance) Hooray! Hooray, Jim! Ned: He took that rather well. Orchestra: musical interlude Greenslade: And with that, Ned went back to the ITA to talk to the Board of Governor. FX: Door opening. Ned: I wish to see the Governor of the ITA. Minnie: You'll have to wait, buddy. He's washing a savage tiger. Ned: This cannot wait. Minnie: That's what Sabrina said. One moment, buddy. FX: Buzzing Minnie: Henry, there's a modern-type man here to see you. Henry (pre rec): Just wait until I put my trousers on and send him in. And tell him to wipe his feet. Minnie: Okay, buddy. You'll have to wait for him to put his trousers on and then you can go in. Silence for a while, then snoring. Minnie: You can go in now. Ned: (waking up) Er.. I... thankyou. FX: Door opening Henry: Mnk... mnk... ahhh.... come in. Ned: I am in. Henry: Did you wipe your feet? Ned: Curses I forgot. Henry: Well there's a mat over there by my saxophone. Wipe them on that. FX: Feet scraping on mat Bluebottle: Dee hee! You rotten swine, you! Get your feet off my nut! Ned: What are you doing there, you jam stained twit? Bluebottle: Do not call me a twit! Do you know who I am? Ned: No. Bluebottle: Well den, I am Clark Bottle of 17 Cringing Avenue, East Finchley. Ace reporter for the Finchley Mothers Crossword Extravaganza. Also known as Superbottle! I fight for truth, justice and free dolly mixtures for all. Ned: What are you doing disguised as a door mat? Bluebottle: I was under cover to solve all the crime in Finchley. Did you know that young Sprotley's conker was stolen last week? Ned: Then why are you looking in the offices of the ITA? Bluebottle: You have to start somewhere. Ned: Move, or I'll fetch you one. Bluebottle: Do not shout at me or I will set my fierce super dog on you. Eccles: Bark! Bark! Growl, woof! I'll bite you! I'll bite! up, I'll bite you dat's what. Yup, yup. I'll bite. Ned: Shut up, Eccles! Eccles: Shut up, Eccles! Don't you say shut up to me. Ned: Take that FX: Two gunshots Ned: Curse, missed. Eccles: Oh, well I'll clear off then. Bluebottle: No, come back! (into distance) Come back you rotten swine doggy Eccles. Ned: That's got rid of him. Henry: Did you want to see me? Ned: Yes. Henry: Well have a seat then. Ned: I'd rather stand. Henry: That's good because we haven't got any seats. We can't get any chairs. You can't get the wood, you know. Now what did you want? Ned: I understand that you were sold the script to the Goon Show by two fiendish idiots called Moriarty and Thynne. Henry: How dare you call my friends idiots. FX: muffled knocking Grytpype: (muffled) Crun, can we come out now? Moriarty: (muffled) Yes, it's getting hot in this sock. Ned: Mr Crun, how can you stoop so low as to keep to poor down and outs in a reeking second hand sock in the mating season? Henry: Well all I had to do was hit them with one of Min's Christmas puddings and stuff them in. Minnie: Just a minute, buddy! My cooking isn't that bad. Henry: Well, you know what happened to Uncle Oscar when he ate that shepherds pie. Minnie: Oh. Ned: Tell me, what did happen to to Uncle Oscar when he ate the shepherds pie? Henry: He choked on a shepherd. Minnie: I don't have to take that from you, buddy! Henry: Says who, buddy? Minnie: Says me, buddy. Henry: And who are you, buddy? Minnie: I'm.... I'm..... Henry: Minnie Bannister. Minnie: Yes, I'm Minnie Bannister. Who are you? Henry: I'm ummm..... I'm.... Ned: Queen Victoria. Henry: Yes, I'm Queen Victoria. Ned: Then one of those gentlemen in the sock must be Henry Crun. Grytpype: (muffled) It's not me. I must be Bluebottle. Minnie: Then you are you, Mr Seagoon? Ned: I'm... ummmm.... I'm John Snagge. John Snagge: Then I must be Eccles. Ned: Shut up, Eccles! ALL: Arguing into background Greenslade: While they are trying to sort out their names, Ray Ellington will sing from a reclining position. Ray Ellington Quartet: music Greenslade: While Mr Ellington was singing that song, which I thought was rather good, Ned went to see the one man who could recover the missing script. Orchestra: Bloodnok theme GRAMS: Bloodnok explosions Bloodnok: Ooouuughghghgg! Aaahahahahahah! That's the last time I eat at the BBC canteen. Now, who are you sir? Ned: My name is Ned Seagoon, or possibly John Snagge. Bloodnok: Do I owe either of you money? Ned: No. Bloodnok: Then I'm pleased to meet you, Mr Seagoon. Bloodnok's the name. Major Denis Bloodnok of the 3rd Regiment of Foot and Mouth. Cheques and postal orders only. What can I do for you? Ned: Major, I need you and your regiment to recover a stolen Goon Show script from the ITA. I can offer you five shillings and a free copy of the Radio Times. Bloodnok: Anything for England, lad. I'll just get the regiment together and meet you at the ITA. We attack at dawn. Orchestra: Change of scene music GRAMS: Rooster crowing Greenslade: As Bloodnok's regiment ate the only rooster in London for breakfast, Ned prepared his camoflage for the attack on the ITA. Ned: Just a touch there.... and another touch there.... Bloodnok: You with the purple wig and the big red nose, get down out of sight! Do you want your agent to see you like that? Ned: Well the Quartermaster didn't have any real camoflage paint. He said somebody had sold it all. Bloodnok: Humph! Err... umm..... well it's time for the attack now. A Company to the centre, B Company to the flank, C Company to protect the.. umm... Regimental stores in my staff car. Fix bayonets! CHARGE! GRAMS: Bugle sounding the charge, shouts of soldiers storming the building. Bloodnok: Break down that door! FX: Door crashing Woman screams Bloodnok: I'm terrible sorry, madam. Get her out the back.... Tommy: Major, we've found the script. Ned: Hooray! The missing Goon Show script. Bloodnok: Well done, lads. And who are these two? Tommy: Prisoners, sir. The cowards were hiding in a sock. Grytpype: Get your hands off me, you swine. Moriarty: Yes. You'll break my twinge. Ned: It will the the Tower of London for you two. Grytpype: Perhaps not. Ned: What do you mean? Grytpype: Eccles, look at the script. Page 17. Eccles: What what what? Grytpype: Your line in your new capacity as a policeman. Eccles: Oooo... Ahem. In my new capacity as a copper I say to Seagoon: You..... are..... under..... arrest. Ned: Arrested? What for? Grytpype: For possession of a stolen Goon Show. Ned: But I haven't got one. Grytpype: Then what is that in your hand? Ned: It's... a script. And it says... "The Goon Show". Grytpype: That to me looks, feels and tastes like the missing Goon Show. The finger of guilt points to you! And it carries a fine of 5 pounds to be paid in 10 pound notes. Ned: But I haven't got 5 pounds in 10 pound notes. Grytpype: Then it's off to Dartmoor for you! Ned: No! Anything but that! Grytpype: Then hand back your OBE. Greenslade: And that is the story of how Ned Seagoon lost his OBE. Orchestra: End of story music Greenslade: Before the signature tune, the lad Bluebottle would like to make a brief announcement. Bluebottle: Hello everybody. I was not deaded this week! FX: Gunshot Bluebottle: You rotten swine you! Orchestra: Old Comrades march