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The Case of the Missing Goon Show

An original Goon Show started in 1986. I eventually got around to finishing it in February 2004. Spike never took that long!

Greenslade: This is the BBC.

Orchestra: Wild music

Greenslade: Stop that! Stop, this isn't Happydrome.

Ned: Well everybody's got to shave, except...

Greenslade: And this isn't the Palladium either.

Ned: You're just jealous.

Greenslade: Oh shut up, you greasy Welsh bubble. I have my duties to perform.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me no pleasure at all to present the Goon

Eccles: Fine, fine fine.

FX: Gunshot

Eccles: OOWWW! Thankyou.

Greenslade: Yes, the Goon Show part 1, in which we see....

FX: Rustling of papers

Greenslade: Wait a minute, where is part 1? I can't find it.

Grytpype: Excuse me, Mr Greenslade. But I'm afraid part 1 is missing.

Orchestra: dramatic chords

Greenslade: What? Part 1 is missing?

Grytpype: Yes, we sold it to the ITA.

Moriarty: And got.... MONEY! Oh, lovely moolah. All two and six of it.

Greenslade: What? You stole the Goon Show and sold it? I'm afraid I shall have to
report this to John Snagge.

Grytpype: We sold him to the Labour Exchange.

Ned: How much did you get for him?

Grytpype: Nothing, we had to give him away. They said we were asking too
much for a Charlie of that character.

Ned: How much were you asking?

Grytpype: Fourpence.

Ned: Enough of this needle nardle noo. Let's move on to part 2. Wal?

FX: Rustling of papers

Greenslade: I'm afraid I can't find part 2 either.

Grytpype: We sold it to the ITA. We sold the whole script.

Ned: Then I'll have to run over there and buy it back. Anybody coming with

Greenslade: Not likely, I might catch something.

Ned: Then I shall go alone. Farewell!

GRAMS: Feet running into distance.

Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, in the absence of a script I shall ad lib my
announcements as events unfold. We now see... Ned Seagoon running.... up to
the doors of the ITA.... where he is met.... by a doorman.

Willium: Yes, mate?

Ned: I seek an audience with the Program Director of the ITA.

Willium: 'Ave you got an appointment, mate?

Ned: No, but I have three OBEs and an IOU.

Willium: Right, mate. This way.

GRAMS: Two pairs of feet walking through corridor.

Willium: 'Ere we are. Room 303, mate.

FX: Door rattle.

Ned: Curse, it's locked.

Willium: Yeah, we 'ad to lock it 'cos Sabrina is in there.

FX: Door crash, woman screams.

Ned: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir. I, er....

Lew Cash: Oooohhh, look at the door, all ruined! It makes you spit! Who are

Ned: I am Ned Seagoon, late of Harlech Television and leek taster by
appointment to the BBC.

Lew: You've 'ad it bad, 'aven't you?

Ned: Yes. (sob) I didn't really want to work for the BBC. But Milligan
forced me into it. (sob) I really wanted to be a flamenco dancer.

Lew: Ooohh, don't start all that. You'll ruin the carpet. 'Ere, blow your

GRAMS: Elephant trumpeting

Lew: My life, he's always doing that. What did you want?

Ned: I want to buy back the Goon Show.

Lew: No way, schlapper. I paid good money for it. All 2/6 of it.

Ned: I'll offer you 2/7.

Lew: No.

Ned: Three shillings.

Lew: No.

Ned: Five shillings and a free copy of the Radio Times.

Lew: Forget it, I'm not interested. Now go, I've got a lot of work to do. I
have to think up a new series with "love" in the title.

Ned: This was bad news for the BBC, dear listeners. I had to decide what to
do next. Mr Geldray, some thinking music.

Max and orchestra: music

Max: Thankyou friends of the Conks Anonymous Club.

Greenslade: While Mr Geldray was playing out his Will, Neddie has decided what to

Ned: Yes, I had decided I could not leave the Goon Show. So I.....

FX: Telephone dialing

Peter (female voice, pre rec): Hello BBC. What department, please?

Ned: Employment office.

Peter: One moment, please.

Jim Spriggs (pre rec): Hello Jim. This is the employment office, Jim. What
do you want, Jim?

Ned: This is Neddie Seagoon.

Jim (pre rec): Not old "Labour Exchange" Seagoon?

Ned: One and the same.

Jim (pre rec): You better come around. I need to speak to you, Jim.

FX: knock knock, Door opening.

Ned: Here I am.

Jim: What took you so long, Jim?

Ned: I was caught in traffic.

Jim: A likely story. Now, Jim, the Big Jims of the BBC have decided to give
you a sixpenny raise.

Ned: That would have brought my salary up to three shillings per month, if I
wasn't resigning from the BBC.

Jim: Gasp! That's too good to be true, Jim! (euphoric screams into distance)
Hooray! Hooray, Jim!

Ned: He took that rather well.

Orchestra: musical interlude

Greenslade: And with that, Ned went back to the ITA to talk to the Board of

FX: Door opening.

Ned: I wish to see the Governor of the ITA.

Minnie: You'll have to wait, buddy. He's washing a savage tiger.

Ned: This cannot wait.

Minnie: That's what Sabrina said. One moment, buddy.

FX: Buzzing

Minnie: Henry, there's a modern-type man here to see you.

Henry (pre rec): Just wait until I put my trousers on and send him in. And
tell him to wipe his feet.

Minnie: Okay, buddy. You'll have to wait for him to put his trousers on and
then you can go in.

Silence for a while, then snoring.

Minnie: You can go in now.

Ned: (waking up) Er.. I... thankyou.

FX: Door opening

Henry: Mnk... mnk... ahhh.... come in.

Ned: I am in.

Henry: Did you wipe your feet?

Ned: Curses I forgot.

Henry: Well there's a mat over there by my saxophone. Wipe them on that.

FX: Feet scraping on mat

Bluebottle: Dee hee! You rotten swine, you! Get your feet off my nut!

Ned: What are you doing there, you jam stained twit?

Bluebottle: Do not call me a twit! Do you know who I am?

Ned: No.

Bluebottle: Well den, I am Clark Bottle of 17 Cringing Avenue, East
Finchley. Ace reporter for the Finchley Mothers Crossword Extravaganza. Also
known as Superbottle! I fight for truth, justice and free dolly mixtures for

Ned: What are you doing disguised as a door mat?

Bluebottle: I was under cover to solve all the crime in Finchley. Did you
know that young Sprotley's conker was stolen last week?

Ned: Then why are you looking in the offices of the ITA?

Bluebottle: You have to start somewhere.

Ned: Move, or I'll fetch you one.

Bluebottle: Do not shout at me or I will set my fierce super dog on you.

Eccles: Bark! Bark! Growl, woof! I'll bite you! I'll bite! up, I'll bite you
dat's what. Yup, yup. I'll bite.

Ned: Shut up, Eccles!

Eccles: Shut up, Eccles! Don't you say shut up to me.

Ned: Take that

FX: Two gunshots

Ned: Curse, missed.

Eccles: Oh, well I'll clear off then.

Bluebottle: No, come back! (into distance) Come back you rotten swine doggy

Ned: That's got rid of him.

Henry: Did you want to see me?

Ned: Yes.

Henry: Well have a seat then.

Ned: I'd rather stand.

Henry: That's good because we haven't got any seats. We can't get any
chairs. You can't get the wood, you know. Now what did you want?

Ned: I understand that you were sold the script to the Goon Show by two
fiendish idiots called Moriarty and Thynne.

Henry: How dare you call my friends idiots.

FX: muffled knocking

Grytpype: (muffled) Crun, can we come out now?

Moriarty: (muffled) Yes, it's getting hot in this sock.

Ned: Mr Crun, how can you stoop so low as to keep to poor down and outs in a
reeking second hand sock in the mating season?

Henry: Well all I had to do was hit them with one of Min's Christmas
puddings and stuff them in.

Minnie: Just a minute, buddy! My cooking isn't that bad.

Henry: Well, you know what happened to Uncle Oscar when he ate that
shepherds pie.

Minnie: Oh.

Ned: Tell me, what did happen to to Uncle Oscar when he ate the shepherds

Henry: He choked on a shepherd.

Minnie: I don't have to take that from you, buddy!

Henry: Says who, buddy?

Minnie: Says me, buddy.

Henry: And who are you, buddy?

Minnie: I'm....  I'm.....

Henry: Minnie Bannister.

Minnie: Yes, I'm Minnie Bannister. Who are you?

Henry: I'm ummm..... I'm....

Ned: Queen Victoria.

Henry: Yes, I'm Queen Victoria.

Ned: Then one of those gentlemen in the sock must be Henry Crun.

Grytpype: (muffled) It's not me. I must be Bluebottle.

Minnie: Then you are you, Mr Seagoon?

Ned: I'm... ummmm.... I'm John Snagge.

John Snagge: Then I must be Eccles.

Ned: Shut up, Eccles!

ALL: Arguing into background

Greenslade: While they are trying to sort out their names, Ray Ellington will sing
from a reclining position.

Ray Ellington Quartet: music

Greenslade: While Mr Ellington was singing that song, which I thought was rather
good, Ned went to see the one man who could recover the missing script.

Orchestra: Bloodnok theme

GRAMS: Bloodnok explosions

Bloodnok: Ooouuughghghgg! Aaahahahahahah! That's the last time I eat at the
BBC canteen. Now, who are you sir?

Ned: My name is Ned Seagoon, or possibly John Snagge.

Bloodnok: Do I owe either of you money?

Ned: No.

Bloodnok: Then I'm pleased to meet you, Mr Seagoon. Bloodnok's the name.
Major Denis Bloodnok of the 3rd Regiment of Foot and Mouth. Cheques and
postal orders only. What can I do for you?

Ned: Major, I need you and your regiment to recover a stolen Goon Show
script from the ITA. I can offer you five shillings and a free copy of the
Radio Times.

Bloodnok: Anything for England, lad. I'll just get the regiment together and
meet you at the ITA. We attack at dawn.

Orchestra: Change of scene music

GRAMS: Rooster crowing

Greenslade: As Bloodnok's regiment ate the only rooster in London for breakfast,
Ned prepared his camoflage for the attack on the ITA.

Ned: Just a touch there.... and another touch there....

Bloodnok: You with the purple wig and the big red nose, get down out of
sight! Do you want your agent to see you like that?

Ned: Well the Quartermaster didn't have any real camoflage paint. He said
somebody had sold it all.

Bloodnok: Humph! Err... umm..... well it's time for the attack now. A
Company to the centre, B Company to the flank, C Company to protect the..
   umm... Regimental stores in my staff car. Fix bayonets! CHARGE!

GRAMS: Bugle sounding the charge, shouts of soldiers storming the building.

Bloodnok: Break down that door!

FX: Door crashing

Woman screams

Bloodnok: I'm terrible sorry, madam. Get her out the back....

Tommy: Major, we've found the script.

Ned: Hooray! The missing Goon Show script.

Bloodnok: Well done, lads. And who are these two?

Tommy: Prisoners, sir. The cowards were hiding in a sock.

Grytpype: Get your hands off me, you swine.

Moriarty: Yes. You'll break my twinge.

Ned: It will the the Tower of London for you two.

Grytpype: Perhaps not.

Ned: What do you mean?

Grytpype: Eccles, look at the script. Page 17.

Eccles: What what what?

Grytpype: Your line in your new capacity as a policeman.

Eccles: Oooo... Ahem. In my new capacity as a copper I say to Seagoon:
You..... are..... under..... arrest.

Ned: Arrested? What for?

Grytpype: For possession of a stolen Goon Show.

Ned: But I haven't got one.

Grytpype: Then what is that in your hand?

Ned: It's... a script. And it says... "The Goon Show".

Grytpype: That to me looks, feels and tastes like the missing Goon Show. The
finger of guilt points to you! And it carries a fine of 5 pounds to be paid
in 10 pound notes.

Ned: But I haven't got 5 pounds in 10 pound notes.

Grytpype: Then it's off to Dartmoor for you!

Ned: No! Anything but that!

Grytpype: Then hand back your OBE.

Greenslade: And that is the story of how Ned Seagoon lost his OBE.

Orchestra: End of story music

Greenslade: Before the signature tune, the lad Bluebottle would like to make a
brief announcement.

Bluebottle: Hello everybody. I was not deaded this week!

FX: Gunshot

Bluebottle: You rotten swine you!

Orchestra: Old Comrades march